Where do you find yourself when your world screams,
though all around you,
a deafening silence echoes a haunting refrain?
Even the darkest night, with sparkling starry stories, follows another day in seeming ignorance,
and the circle of life keeps spinning, heeding not your pain.
I remember (without the debilitating weariness, body, mind and heart-wrenching pain and guilt), a year of hell wherein the darkest dark, fear, numbing shock and hopelessness threatened to swallow me whole. Shortly more than two years ago (early 2020), with unsuspecting swiftness, when what began in 2017 as a slow-forming rip current grew dangerously powerful, dragging me bound in anxious attempts to free myself. I saw my life ebb as I floundered and flailed within the deepening ocean’s watery graveyard of grief.
One day I sobbed mirrored pitifulness,
a woman crestfallen and forlorn,
musing within soul-aching weariness,
succumbing, prey to illusions’ scorn.
Did you see me when I stumbled and fell, eventually lying battered and beaten, left alone with deep gashes and bruising, bleeding from my heart and mind? I think not, except for three steadfast friends, my children and Heaven. Your eyes darted away as if I, a leper, was a contagion of utmost undesirable poison. You tucked your heart and hands from me as evening brought the darkness, scabs, and vulture of depression. Yet still, you contented yourselves by saying I am courageous and strong (or worse, said nothing at all) leaving me wallowing in the mire.
Thus was born my blog, a refuge for expressive contemplation on a voyage of discovering uncharted waters where sadness, happiness, tears, laughter, guilt, forgiveness and an incredible, unbelievably possible, God-given friendship surprise; encouraging and strengthening me when voyaging within my heart, a healing miracle.
Embarking on a voyage:
Life Happens . . .
turbulent, deep and dark,
enlightened by shadows;
I seek ports
of
refuge,
delight
and
sustenance.
~ ~ ~
I find a berth in each.
Moored securely in my heart:
this voyage alone, though not,
three sail together:
the Master of the Seas, the Executive Sous Chef, and the Contemplative Voyager.
~ ~ ~
Hungering for relieving balm, solace,
my spirit cries, held firmly by His hands,
echoes in my heart His whispered promise:
In the shadow of a tear,
let drop your greatest fear.
In the crease of your eye,
I will bless your burdened sigh.
~~~~~
He does!
When your heart, burdened be,
droops and faints, cannot see
in the mist that is grief
beyond shadow, belief
bow your head, bend your knees
bleed your heart, feel the peace.
~~~~~
Most unexpectedly, impossibly possible, unpredictably, gently, without compulsion, and incredibly miraculous; His timing, touch, arms of mercy and carrying footsteps in the sands of life.
~~~~~
January 3, 2022 —
This morning, as I lie in my bed, after waking, part of my routine (tuning myself in stillness), words flow like oxygenated blood from my heart. Questions for the man I love are first. I may never ask him these particular ones. The answers may come as answers to prayers or experiences.
Then, as I prayerfully reach for understanding, the parable involving a stripped and beaten man, a thought-provoking vision, fires synapses, alerting me to two flaming desires I feel torching my innards. How do I walk through the refining and purifying fires of my life? Light and shadows create an image of Vicki from past to present, a miracle.
In sublime, quiet whisperings, heard only in a stilled heart, descriptions and reflections of self, from stripped naked on the proverbial road to Jericho where I had lain as broken shards of a mortal vessel to an intricately crafted stained glass creation of the Master’s design, warm my soul with His light. Such delicate workmanship in patterns: my life, I feel and see within.
My breath: love, the purpose of my life.
I see within when looking into the flame.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Flashback to December 12- 31, 2021
I watch the dancing oracle,
in its flaming warmth flickering,
bowing, turning, reaching, lighting,
darkness breaking, shadow casting,
a braided wick enthralling trance.
I fall under hypnotic, rhythmic spells
gracefully surrendering willfulness,
traces of salt, whitewashed stains,
His grace stills,
burning to heal my solemn weariness.
In tune, the candle and my heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Forward to February 2022
Sometimes, I sense an overwhelming swelling within my breast.
Like a crescendo in the humid summer air, before an impromptu storm claps in thundering applause for the enlightening, shocking white blasts tearing through the fabric of the sky, it goes not unnoticed.
Then . . .
Pounding rain drums its rhythm on the asphalt as the sun breaks through the commotion, and upon the darkened curtain, slowly fading in, the silence of the rainbow. The beauty of a colourful arched array, wielding its power, causes the ominous, gloomy expanse to split asunder.
There . . .
Under the banner of hope,
impressions remain,
calming the soul
with
peaceful surrender
to
the swelling
within
my breast:
you are my heart,
I am my heart,
one,
from rainbow’s end to end,
and beyond.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
May 9, 2022 — From then to now, what a voyage in the heart of my life’s happenings! Today, while walking with dancing steps, and singing, to the music playing through my headphones on the pathway beside the meandering Bow River as it flows through Cochrane, Alberta, Canada, the parable again flashed into my mind. Retrieving my pocketed phone, choosing replay three times and immersing myself in the words, message and feeling of Go Light Your World (written and sung by Christopher Rice) I find a receptive place, allowing reflective thoughts to amaze me, without bad feelings, anger or malice, just cold facts. I know who I am. I know where my heart rests and how. I know who and what lives in me.
Always one to accept my circumstances without questioning why, I am a happy soul whose experiences include floundering and flailing in a powerful riptide of grief and depression, lying naked and beaten on the roadside of life’s happenings at one point. Rescued from destructive forces, a story of survival and thriving, grateful for all, good and not so good. This introspective, contemplative, nature-immersed woman, a researcher, learner, and faithful seeker of all things uplifting, spiritual and enriching, is the product of a miracle through voyaging in my heart.
Stars guiding me into undiscovered caverns, crevices, and gaping holes, I explored, searching for what I knew not. Every unmeasured step, weary at times, kept me moving with hope, dreams, pondering, prayer and excavating treasured nuggets of truth. My search was for home, a home for my heart. There within my heart, peaceful and comforting, I found you, a place called home.
Even the darkest night, with sparkling starry stories, follows another day in seeming ignorance,
and the circle of life keeps spinning, heeding not your pain.
Fall on your back,
look upward at the constellations smiling upon you,
appreciate the glistening eyes of light,
sigh,
then
feel the rhythm of your heart
as deep as it goes
within.
~~~~~
What has happened with my blogging? An evolution of expressionism bears witness of the storytelling of my life’s happenings. From factual accounts that morphed in the method of sharing my heart and experiences to metaphors, analogies and poetry with subliminal (or obvious to the earnest reader) messages of raw truth I write. The reasons I began writing, now appear realized. In re-reading every post, I see a common thread and transformation. I figuratively stand still to look back, amazed, and focus on the next step. Where does it lead? How thrilling, the adventure of living!
From dwelling, for a time, in the darkest abyss to living in sunlight and sheltering in the blessings of shadows, I experience happiness, pleasure, and joy as I sail the waters of my life. Opposites and opposition, currents and wind conditions, essential to understanding and knowledge, the way of discovery, miracles, healing, and treasures of life’s happenings, those are the elements of my voyage.
My voyage continues on a new course, one dictated fully by confidence and security in the intimacy of my heart where I reside not alone. I know me. I like me. I know God and His hands. I know what healing feels and looks like in my life. I am grateful. I hope, dream, and love deeply.
Life’s happenings, like lighthouse beacons shining bright over dark waters, warm the hearth of a voyage in one’s heart.
© Vicki Nicholls May 2022
